no really, it is getting dark outside. no sad metaphor. so...i got straight a's in school last semester, yay. this semester i will be taking college bio w/lab, math for the liberal arts, and computer sciences. a full twelve credits, none of them being classes i actually WANT to take, but good to get them over with during the short semester i suppose.
i talked to kimi for a long time on the phone today. it was the first time i've talked to her in years. she has two kids now, and is apparently engaged to this guy who...well, never mind, its not my place. i don't really know what to say about her...i miss her...she just leaves my head in this really weird place. we were so close, and we're the same age, but we are at such radically opposing places in our lives and while i can logically see how that happened, my heart refuses to believe it. she even said herself, that if she had applied herself, she could've done something great. ok, i'm going to stop there.
but talking to her reminded me of jake, since they still talk to each other. i went back and read all those journal entries he wrote when all *that* happened, like i am wont to do about once or twice a year. jeez, how did things get so fucked up? and what the hell kind of person was i then? i read the things he says i said to him, and i REMEMBER saying them, but it feels like i'm hearing things secondhand, things that came out of a strangers mouth. a stranger i probably wouldn't even like.
i let caleb read my first diary a few days ago, from when i was twelve to thirteen. god, have i always been fucked up? cause i certainly was then, i certainly have been at so many points during my life. nick, corin, what i did to jake and to justin, and god to kevin? (poor little femme boy) (not to mention the people i've hurt that i wasn't romantically entangled with) i feel like i've changed though. i really want to believe it. i REALLY want to believe i won't end up doing something equally bastrdized to caleb, this wonderful gem of a man...so i'm going to hold onto that belief, hold on to my love, and hope that someday, maybe, i can at least make up karmically for the way i've treated people. i'll never be that person again...after all, once you hit bottom, the only direction is up. (or around in annoying little circles calling for that rat of a dog...)