no really, it is getting dark outside. no sad metaphor. so...i got straight a's in school last semester, yay. this semester i will be taking college bio w/lab, math for the liberal arts, and computer sciences. a full twelve credits, none of them being classes i actually WANT to take, but good to get them over with during the short semester i suppose.
i talked to kimi for a long time on the phone today. it was the first time i've talked to her in years. she has two kids now, and is apparently engaged to this guy who...well, never mind, its not my place. i don't really know what to say about her...i miss her...she just leaves my head in this really weird place. we were so close, and we're the same age, but we are at such radically opposing places in our lives and while i can logically see how that happened, my heart refuses to believe it. she even said herself, that if she had applied herself, she could've done something great. ok, i'm going to stop there.
but talking to her reminded me of jake, since they still talk to each other. i went back and read all those journal entries he wrote when all *that* happened, like i am wont to do about once or twice a year. jeez, how did things get so fucked up? and what the hell kind of person was i then? i read the things he says i said to him, and i REMEMBER saying them, but it feels like i'm hearing things secondhand, things that came out of a strangers mouth. a stranger i probably wouldn't even like.
i let caleb read my first diary a few days ago, from when i was twelve to thirteen. god, have i always been fucked up? cause i certainly was then, i certainly have been at so many points during my life. nick, corin, what i did to jake and to justin, and god to kevin? (poor little femme boy) (not to mention the people i've hurt that i wasn't romantically entangled with) i feel like i've changed though. i really want to believe it. i REALLY want to believe i won't end up doing something equally bastrdized to caleb, this wonderful gem of a man...so i'm going to hold onto that belief, hold on to my love, and hope that someday, maybe, i can at least make up karmically for the way i've treated people. i'll never be that person again...after all, once you hit bottom, the only direction is up. (or around in annoying little circles calling for that rat of a dog...)

ACK! we leave for california in four days! we'll be in LA ubntil the eleventh, then go pick up joseph and *gasp* i'll meet calebs parents, then down to tijuana, back to san clemente or wherever it is they live, then possibly to san diego. is it so wrong of me to be apprehensive about meeting them? esp. moms? *sigh* my dad FINALLY came back, just in time to meet caleb, thankfully. and i've been drawing...weirdness of weirdness. i'm not that great at the moment...i just haven't had years of practice to hone my skills. caleb says my pictures make him uncomfortable, because each of them has this story behind them that only i can really see, but he can feel. i'm still debating over whether that is a good thing or not. i need to write more though...well...i miss my peeps, yo! i haven't seen kami in a ridiculously long time...i got to have coffee with mali the other day which was great, but it doesn't happen enough. and haven...well, i still have your coats girly! i meant to come up in feb and here it is may already... i'll see about coming up after we get back. my classes this emester are only going to be on tues and thurs but i need to find some part time job to work, too. but all in all, things are going well. love you all!

well...i just quit my job at starlight...eh, put in my two week notice anyway. i was worried that my boss was going to be pissed at me, instead she just said that she doesn't blame me then goes on to tell me that she wants to quit too, she just has no time to look for another job. that sucks. the owner has been sicking this collections guy on all our late fees suckers so the ratio of pissed off cussers to our normal freaks has increased exponentially. i'm looking for another job right now. the owner came in tonight while i was on the internet looking at job sites. i had even printed out my resume but i'd forgotten about it so it was just kicking it in the office when he went back there. oops...he wasn't upset either though, just gave me a couple pointers on cleaning it up. funny...its like everyone expected this. one of my coworkers has even been leaving filled applications for other jobs laying about. its a good thing i'm quitting cause i have a feeling this company is clawing its way towards bankruptcy...another mom and pop video store down the tube. *sigh* fuck you blockbuster!!!

mattman just moved in with us. its cool, i think. he's a good guy. i don't really care too much one way or another about him moving in, but it does give me someone as geeky as i am to chill with.

things are going divinely with caleb. i'm really happy being with him, though its a little bit hard to get used to being with someone who's not aiming to hurt me in some (or many) ways. its getting easier though. he helps me so much, you can't even imagine. i just hope i'm half as worth it to him as he is to me.

anyway, just a basic update,

love ya!

its been a while...well, i've seen haven, who lives in friggin BROOMFIELD more lately than i've seen mali, twenty minutes away. nice, huh? whatever...
i've been spending more time with my roommates, corin and marra. its been good. you know, i don't really care what ANYONE else says about him, corin is my friend. he is my good friend, he is my long term friend. he's good people, he has a good heart, he just has some problems translating that into real life sometimes, but who doesn't? i enjot living with him, and i enjoy living with marra, and any reservations i may have about the situation are far, FAR overshadowed by the happiness i get from it. OK!? ok. thats it.

eeheehee!!!! yay! i went down to the college today to set up a payment plan for my tuition and they told me that my loan came through!!! turns out i'm getting 1300 per semester, which is WAY more than i am going to use...i wonder what happens to the money i DON'T use...i was hoping that i would get some kind of check for it or something cause i wanted to get my tattoo...i know people who are using their student loans to pay rent and stuff...hmm...anyway, i'm in school again! and this time i'm not gonna fuck it up.