That made me want to tear up. But, I couldn't for some reason... I've been doing it a lot lately, I don't know why I couldn't now. I was just getting ready for work and all, and I got curious about you, suddenly, out of the blue. Don't know why. Sometimes I just wonder.

When Kimi told me she was trying to contact you I wasn't really for it, ya know? I didn't want her to have to pretend everything was spiffy between us two just to have a conversation. I didn't want that to be on her shoulders. I do love talking to her. She's the one remaining piller of my old life in CO. (and she's in alabama)

I actually have the same feelings about the guy she's marrying. And she wants ME to perform the ceramony! When she was engaged to the other guy, Blaze's dad, her family kept telling me to go out there and marry her, just to stop her from doing something stupid. And, from what I can tell, this guy's better.

Blaze RAVEN Rogers... I can't get over that. She actually wanted to name him Jake... then Randy... but the dad caught on and wouldn't allow it.

I was kind of hoping, after reading this journal entry, that it was a round-a-bout way of appologizing. I became royally fucked after that like you have no idea. I've gone a bit,.. downhill, I'll just say. But, don't get me wrong, I'm not putting it all on you for the "Downhillness". In fact, I'm not putting any of it on you. Not anymore. It was a combination of factors that lead me that direction. Jealousy still grips my heart from time to time but I've been doing my best to stay out of any sort of meaningful relationships.

The current girlfriend, Jessica , is brilliant and beautiful but I will never see her again after the 25th. She's going back to her College in Ohio and getting back together with her ex (which she thinks I don't know, stumbled accross it a week ago on accident).

Anyway... ramble ramble ramble... I'm fucking stoked that you're happy. It's the only thing I've ever wished for you. Even through all the crap, I've only ever wanted you to prosper and be happy because I have always, and still, love you very much and there will always be that missing peice of my heart that you took from me and, you for one know, once I give a peice of my heart to someone, there's no giving it back.

Hey... you should read about my first pot experience on my myspace blogs. Everyone seems to find it pretty funny... except the last half where I go nuts.

Whatever
-Jake

Want to hear something very weird? I remember reading only the first line of this comment that you left so long ago, even though I'm sure I read all of it. So, two months later...damn. Jake, we've been through rough times. There is absolutely no denying that. Youthful impetuousness and psychotic hormones will cause people to do some things that later in life they will look back upon and shake their head. I think now, finally, we have both acknowledged our own part in the regretful situations that occured, so perhaps we can let it be our past, our rocky past. It assuredly wan't all you, or your jealousies. No one party is to blame, circumstancces led us BOTH down treacherous paths. So let us move forward and try to be something like friends. Like you, my heartbits stay where I put them. Even with Nick, as much as I hate that sonofabitch, a tenderness remains. And you, being a million times more of a human, certainly retain some grip on these strings.
Kimi understood from the moment she spoke to me that there was bad blood between you and I. She didn't pretend otherwise, she's smarter than that, and not happy with duplicity. Yet she remained resolutely diplomatic, true to both of us. I wish I could see her doing beautiful things with her life... I don't like Mark...I have never been fond of any of her paramours. It is lovely that she named him you, after a fashion, isn't it? I can't think of anyone in her life more deserving. I just got off the phone with her, actually, and she mentioned you, which spurred me to take another look at this. I'm glad I did.
I am happy...yet, there is always a flaw, non? One I am confronting, actively, within and without, in a physical manifestation of my 'problem'. Which is only a problem so much as society and circumstances say it is. *sigh* I wish it could just be easy. C'est la vie, so get on with it, I suppose. As for you, give it time. You are sensitive man, and intelligent, eccentric and devilishly charming. But you are also bruised...as am I. I should not be where I am, for I fear that these hurts that are only now BEGINING to heal will prove utterly disastrous for Caleb and I. But I digress. I am certain that one day you will find a woman who is your equal, and able of loving you as you need and deserve to be. To rush and force will only lead to a more intensely broken Jake.
And I read your pot story shortly after you posted it, sounds intense. Sounds like you did too much for your first time, and in a not altogether positive environment. I'm sorry that your first, and possibly only, experience with marijuana was so negative. But there is no one saying you have to do drugs to be cool, to be smart, to be anything. You're you, and that is super slamdunk slinksterific cool in my book.
Adieu!
Sarah

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"Happiness is an allegory, unhappiness is a story." Leo Tolstoy